Punch-Counterpunch: Obama’s Ramadan Proclamation

Punch-Counterpunch is a regular feature of the Bad Apples Blog, pitting conservative pundit Jack Hammer (and his gigantic supply of testosterone) against latte-drinking liberal Fox P. Wisconsin. Because Mr. Wisconsin is a pacifist and terrified of conflict, we let him go first.

PUNCH
FOX P. WISCONSIN:

I think it’s pretty wonderful that in this day and age of unnecessarily heated rhetoric about Muslims, Mr. Obama took a moment out to issue a proclamation to commemorate the holy month of Ramadan.

Sadly, Fox News disagrees. Next up on The O’Reilly Factor, Obama’s Two-Front War: Easter AND Christmas. Ugh. When will people stop listening to these lies and blatant distortions?

Though I personally am not a person of faith, I nevertheless believe it’s in our interests as a nation and as human beings to respect the beliefs of others. And I’m glad that our President feels the same way.

COUNTERPUNCH
JACK HAMMER:

You wanna know what I’m glad about? I’m glad that my job here is to disagree with you, because your beliefs are stupid I have no respect for them or for you. I’m also glad that in addition to having no God, you have no spine, you candy-ass.

Next thing you know, you’ll be telling us that communists and socialists have valid points to make, and that we should “respect” their rabid anti-Americanism and their desire to tear down everything this country holds holy, like God and the Tea Party. You make me sick, you pinko slime.

And if your president isn’t fighting a war on Easter, where the hell was the Easter proclamation this year? Oh, wait, let me guess: Comrade Obama just forgot to issue one of those, right? Sure he did. Maybe this will be like his birth certificate: if we keep asking for two years, he’ll finally produce one and claim it existed all along.

Jack Hammer is the president of Americanism Without Borders, a conservative think-tank. He is also a member of the board of directors for Americans for Things Americans Can Believe In. Fox P. Wisconsin owns an organic iPad.

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Bachmann Campaign Fires Back About Migraine Allegations

Michele Bachmann’s migraines are turning out to be a real headache for her campaign.

But the Bachmann campaign is firing back today over allegations that the candidate’s migraine headaches – and the associated heavy pill usage – are anything other than Ms. Bachmann’s standard operating procedure. “She’s had the pain for years,” said campaign spokesperson Paul Inghoff, “ever since she had the operation to replace her brain with an underfed Chihuahua.

“The thing that always surprises me,” Inghoff added, “is why voters keep electing her. It’s almost like some of their brains have been replaced, too.”

The allegations about Ms. Bachmann’s migraines and pill usage were first reported by The Daily Caller, the “news source” co-founded and edited by Tucker Carlson, who, like Bachmann, also underwent a brainectomy. Unlike Bachmann, however, Mr. Carlson declined to have his brain replaced with anything, and had his heart surgically removed for good measure.

In response to a request for comment, Mr. Carlson said simply, “fuck you.”

There is no word as yet as to why The Daily Caller reported on Bachmann’s migraines while omitting any mention of her brain transplant, though speculation is that the news was entirely self-evident. “I mean, have you ever listened to that woman for five seconds?” said everyone in the world.

Bad Apples Blog Announces Hiring of Serious, Professional Correspondent Hamilton S. Townsend, Who Is Also Very Sexy

Award-losing website The Bad Apples Blog (thebadapples.wordpress.com) today announced the hiring of serious, professional news correspondent Hamilton S. Townsend. Townsend, who is widely regarded as the most serious and professional journalist in the solar system, lends some much-needed legitimacy to the blog, which currently features contributions by weak-kneed, lily-livered liberal Fox P. Wisconsin and by red-blooded superguy Jack Hammer.

A spokesman for The Bad Apples Blog said, “everyone always talks about how serious and professional Hamilton Townsend is, but they neglect to mention that he is also incredibly sexy.”

That sentiment was widely echoed at last night’s ESPY awards, where virtually nothing else was talked about. Dallas-area athlete Dirk Nowitzki said, “Hamilton Towsend? That dude is way sexy! Where’s he going? The bad what? Damn, that is one sexy man.”

President Obama and 428 members of Congress, of both parties, have written, called, or tweeted to express their support for Mr. Townsend, as well as to gush over his sexiness. “I’d… like to congratulate the, uh, blog on this…extraordinary hire,” said Mr. Obama. “Getting… Ham Townsend is… a… real coup. He is… serious… professional… and if, uh, I may say so, wow, is he sexy.”

Said Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Crazypantstown) on her twitter feed, “omg, Ham, congrats on the blig! UR SO FING HAWT! I would totes go gay 4U!!!! (UR also VERY serious and professional.)”

The Bad Apples Blog, which is published almost never and read by almost no one, is said to be expecting an increase of nearly one zillionth of one percent of its current readership as a result of the move. Said blog contributor Jack Hammer, “Fundamentally, we’ve always been an opinion-gathering organization, and half of those opinions (by which I mean all of Fox’s) are completely wrong to begin with. So basically, we suck.

“I can’t imagine that anything is going to make this place any better,” Hammer said, adding, “but the guy is definitely sexy. I’m with Bachmann on this one – I’d totally go gay for him, and then I’d vigorously oppose my own right to get married to him.”

Gay liberal Fox P. Wisconsin said, “What? I’m not gay! I just like doing yoga and wearing Crocs, okay, so sue me.” He then added, “You’re not putting this on the blog, are you? Can you please not mention the Crocs?”

Punch-Counterpunch: The (Possible) Debt Ceiling Resolution

Punch-Counterpunch is a regular feature of the Bad Apples Blog, pitting conservative pundit Jack Hammer (and his massive balls) against sandal-wearing liberal Fox P. Wisconsin. Because Mr. Wisconsin is a pacifist and terrified of conflict, we let him go first.

PUNCH
FOX P. WISCONSIN:

So wait a second. After months of total Republican intransigence to raising the debt ceiling, after months of completely refusing to capitulate to any Democratic request or compromise, after months of making hostages out of everything from old people’s government-provided pittances to the full faith and credit of the United States, all of a sudden the Republicans are going to reverse course and make the debt limit increases the default option?

What exactly happened here? Did their Wall Street friends suddenly dial up the phone and tell these morons just how bad their retirement portfolios were going to look if they went through with their plan to stop the US from paying its bills?

COUNTERPUNCH
JACK HAMMER:

Um, actually, yes. That’s pretty much exactly what happened.

Punch-Counterpunch: The Chilean Miners

Punch-Counterpunch is a regular feature of the Bad Apples Blog, pitting conservative pundit Jack Hammer against uncredentialed liberal Fox P. Wisconsin. Because Mr. Wisconsin is a pacifist and terrified of conflict, we let him go first.

PUNCH
FOX P. WISCONSIN:

For 69 days, 33 Chilean men were trapped in a hole almost a half a mile underneath the earth’s surface. Why were they there? Because of mankind’s intemperate, uncontrollable desire for the black things buried under the earth – black things like coal and oil and iron ore, all of which is turned into the Hummers and aircraft carriers that are destroying the world we live in and trapping people in mines.

Mankind and the evil corporations need to get serious about ending our addiction to fossil fuels. If governments would make better investments in harnessing renewable energy sources like solar and wind power, we could reduce our dependency on mines and drilling so that these kind of potential disasters could be averted.

But, of course, capitalism isn’t concerned with avoiding disaster until it affects a company’s bottom line, now is it? Until there is a financial incentive, capitalism is going to keep putting people in harm’s way, all so their bosses can buy bigger plasma screen TVs.

COUNTERPUNCH
JACK HAMMER:

Look, moron, capitalism and fossil fuels aren’t what put those miners in the hole. It was their lack of advanced business degrees, combined with their inability to speak English that landed them in the hole. It was capitalism and fossil fuels that saved them.

Take a look at the machinery that they used to power the Phoenix rescue system: it’s big, heavy, made of metal, and powered by coal and oil. That grease they used to keep the wheels going when they started to squeak? That’s a petroleum product too. It wasn’t a rope made out of hemp or an engine powered by solar cells, or an elevator constructed from some biodegradable granola-based polymer. It was steel and oil and money that pulled those men back to the surface and gave them wraparound sunglasses and free iPods.

Those men have a God-given right to have their iPods, and you have no right, sir, no right whatsoever to tell them they can’t have them. But I bet you think you and the other long-haired freaks living on the commune with you are the only ones entitled to products with the Apple logo on them, don’t you, you elitist bastard?

Obama Sickens People

About three dozen people were treated for illness during a rally featuring President Barack Obama at Bowie State University.

Prince George’s County Fire and EMS spokesman Mark Brady tells WTOP numerous ambulances were sent to the rally after people started fainting and became dizzy.

WTOP.com

That’s what you get for drinking the Obama Kool-Aid, hippies. Welcome to the club: he’s been sickening the rest of us for years already.

Point-Counterpoint 1: Toasted Skin Syndrome and Spending

Point-Counterpoint is a regular feature of the Bad Apples Blog, pitting conservative pundit Jack Hammer against uncredentialed liberal Fox P. Wisconsin. Because Mr. Wisconsin is a pacifist and terrified of conflict, we let him go first.

FOX P. WISCONSIN:

A 12 year-old-boy who played computer games a few hours a day for several months with his laptop on his legs developed permanent sponge-patterned discoloration on his left thigh. Though he knew it got hot, he didn’t adjust the laptop.

This is why scientists everywhere recommend that if something feels like it is hot and burning your skin, you should get away from it.

He is one of 10 patients documented in a recent study who reported the condition, which has previously been seen on people’s legs who work in front of hot stoves or old people with electric blankets. The heat comes from the laptop’s processors. In addition, placing a laptop on your lap may block the exhaust fan.

Consumerist.com

Great. Just great. Now laptops are roasting children’s legs. Is this what the invisible hand of the marketplace was meant to accomplish?

Of course, any program to study and solve the problem of Toasted Skin Syndrome (the new TSS!) is destined to be derided by conservatives as part of the wasteful spending they’re trying to curb. Not that conservatives themselves can figure out what wasteful spending it is that they’re trying to curb:

So let me get this straight, Mr. Republicans: there isn’t any specific thing we need to cut spending on, except for everything?

JACK HAMMER:

Listen here, you wussie communist greaseball, talking about specific spending cuts is not how you cut spending. You just cut it. Everywhere and all the time. If you were running out of money, would you keep buying your lattes and organic granola bars for breakfast anymore? No, you would CUT SPENDING.

As for the invisible hand of the marketplace, you’re lucky I don’t slap you in the face with it, you pompous hippy jagoff. Maybe computers wouldn’t burn people if the computer manufacturers didn’t have to waste their money paying taxes to our socialist president, or if they didn’t have to waste time finding ways to circumvent his tyrannical standards for environmental safety in manufacturing. Do you think the waste created by smelting rechargeable laptop batteries is going to negotiate secret deals to be buried dangerously close to nearby water supplies itself?

Jack Hammer is the president of Americanism Without Borders, a conservative think-tank. He is also a member of the board of directors for Americans for Things Americans Can Believe In. Fox P. Wisconsin shops at Whole Foods and wears sandals.