Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Bachmann Campaign Fires Back About Migraine Allegations

Michele Bachmann’s migraines are turning out to be a real headache for her campaign.

But the Bachmann campaign is firing back today over allegations that the candidate’s migraine headaches – and the associated heavy pill usage – are anything other than Ms. Bachmann’s standard operating procedure. “She’s had the pain for years,” said campaign spokesperson Paul Inghoff, “ever since she had the operation to replace her brain with an underfed Chihuahua.

“The thing that always surprises me,” Inghoff added, “is why voters keep electing her. It’s almost like some of their brains have been replaced, too.”

The allegations about Ms. Bachmann’s migraines and pill usage were first reported by The Daily Caller, the “news source” co-founded and edited by Tucker Carlson, who, like Bachmann, also underwent a brainectomy. Unlike Bachmann, however, Mr. Carlson declined to have his brain replaced with anything, and had his heart surgically removed for good measure.

In response to a request for comment, Mr. Carlson said simply, “fuck you.”

There is no word as yet as to why The Daily Caller reported on Bachmann’s migraines while omitting any mention of her brain transplant, though speculation is that the news was entirely self-evident. “I mean, have you ever listened to that woman for five seconds?” said everyone in the world.

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Bad Apples Blog Announces Hiring of Serious, Professional Correspondent Hamilton S. Townsend, Who Is Also Very Sexy

Award-losing website The Bad Apples Blog (thebadapples.wordpress.com) today announced the hiring of serious, professional news correspondent Hamilton S. Townsend. Townsend, who is widely regarded as the most serious and professional journalist in the solar system, lends some much-needed legitimacy to the blog, which currently features contributions by weak-kneed, lily-livered liberal Fox P. Wisconsin and by red-blooded superguy Jack Hammer.

A spokesman for The Bad Apples Blog said, “everyone always talks about how serious and professional Hamilton Townsend is, but they neglect to mention that he is also incredibly sexy.”

That sentiment was widely echoed at last night’s ESPY awards, where virtually nothing else was talked about. Dallas-area athlete Dirk Nowitzki said, “Hamilton Towsend? That dude is way sexy! Where’s he going? The bad what? Damn, that is one sexy man.”

President Obama and 428 members of Congress, of both parties, have written, called, or tweeted to express their support for Mr. Townsend, as well as to gush over his sexiness. “I’d… like to congratulate the, uh, blog on this…extraordinary hire,” said Mr. Obama. “Getting… Ham Townsend is… a… real coup. He is… serious… professional… and if, uh, I may say so, wow, is he sexy.”

Said Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Crazypantstown) on her twitter feed, “omg, Ham, congrats on the blig! UR SO FING HAWT! I would totes go gay 4U!!!! (UR also VERY serious and professional.)”

The Bad Apples Blog, which is published almost never and read by almost no one, is said to be expecting an increase of nearly one zillionth of one percent of its current readership as a result of the move. Said blog contributor Jack Hammer, “Fundamentally, we’ve always been an opinion-gathering organization, and half of those opinions (by which I mean all of Fox’s) are completely wrong to begin with. So basically, we suck.

“I can’t imagine that anything is going to make this place any better,” Hammer said, adding, “but the guy is definitely sexy. I’m with Bachmann on this one – I’d totally go gay for him, and then I’d vigorously oppose my own right to get married to him.”

Gay liberal Fox P. Wisconsin said, “What? I’m not gay! I just like doing yoga and wearing Crocs, okay, so sue me.” He then added, “You’re not putting this on the blog, are you? Can you please not mention the Crocs?”