Archive for the ‘Jack Hammer’s Conservative (aka Correct) Opinion’ Category

Obama Sickens People

About three dozen people were treated for illness during a rally featuring President Barack Obama at Bowie State University.

Prince George’s County Fire and EMS spokesman Mark Brady tells WTOP numerous ambulances were sent to the rally after people started fainting and became dizzy.

That’s what you get for drinking the Obama Kool-Aid, hippies. Welcome to the club: he’s been sickening the rest of us for years already.


Point-Counterpoint 1: Toasted Skin Syndrome and Spending

Point-Counterpoint is a regular feature of the Bad Apples Blog, pitting conservative pundit Jack Hammer against uncredentialed liberal Fox P. Wisconsin. Because Mr. Wisconsin is a pacifist and terrified of conflict, we let him go first.


A 12 year-old-boy who played computer games a few hours a day for several months with his laptop on his legs developed permanent sponge-patterned discoloration on his left thigh. Though he knew it got hot, he didn’t adjust the laptop.

This is why scientists everywhere recommend that if something feels like it is hot and burning your skin, you should get away from it.

He is one of 10 patients documented in a recent study who reported the condition, which has previously been seen on people’s legs who work in front of hot stoves or old people with electric blankets. The heat comes from the laptop’s processors. In addition, placing a laptop on your lap may block the exhaust fan.

Great. Just great. Now laptops are roasting children’s legs. Is this what the invisible hand of the marketplace was meant to accomplish?

Of course, any program to study and solve the problem of Toasted Skin Syndrome (the new TSS!) is destined to be derided by conservatives as part of the wasteful spending they’re trying to curb. Not that conservatives themselves can figure out what wasteful spending it is that they’re trying to curb:

So let me get this straight, Mr. Republicans: there isn’t any specific thing we need to cut spending on, except for everything?


Listen here, you wussie communist greaseball, talking about specific spending cuts is not how you cut spending. You just cut it. Everywhere and all the time. If you were running out of money, would you keep buying your lattes and organic granola bars for breakfast anymore? No, you would CUT SPENDING.

As for the invisible hand of the marketplace, you’re lucky I don’t slap you in the face with it, you pompous hippy jagoff. Maybe computers wouldn’t burn people if the computer manufacturers didn’t have to waste their money paying taxes to our socialist president, or if they didn’t have to waste time finding ways to circumvent his tyrannical standards for environmental safety in manufacturing. Do you think the waste created by smelting rechargeable laptop batteries is going to negotiate secret deals to be buried dangerously close to nearby water supplies itself?

Jack Hammer is the president of Americanism Without Borders, a conservative think-tank. He is also a member of the board of directors for Americans for Things Americans Can Believe In. Fox P. Wisconsin shops at Whole Foods and wears sandals.

DeMint is DeMan!

It’s nice to see someone in politics (other than Jesus) still gets it right these days:

“[Senator Jim] DeMint said if someone is openly homosexual, they shouldn’t be teaching in the classroom and he holds the same position on an unmarried woman who’s sleeping with her boyfriend — she shouldn’t be in the classroom.”

Spartanburg Herald-Journal

Hear, hear, Senator!

A classroom is no place for unwed women! Those women have full-time jobs already as handmaidens of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And if they DO have any free time once their duties to Him are done, they should spend it searching for men to marry so they can be impregnated and then ditched for newer unmarried women once they get fat and old.

As for gays, I’m still not sure I believe they actually exist. Until my proposed network of national bedroom cameras gets installed so we can keep close tabs on every would-be sodomizer in this country, I refuse to acknowledge that homo-SIN-uality is anything other than a construction of the liberal, Jew-run media. But if they ARE real, they shouldn’t be teaching America’s children either because they are an abomination against the very Creator who made them in His image. Let them stay closeted in the military, where they belong.

My only question for Senator DeMint is, why stop with just women and gays? What about all the communist sympathizers who voted Comrade Obama into office? Just because there was a clear and decisive majority of them does not give them the right to inculcate America’s children with their Nazi philosophies of readily accessible healthcare and tax relief strategies designed to curb the out-of-control income gap between the rich and the poor! We cannot allow these tyrannical hippies to contribute to the ongoing oppression of the rich in this country and then brainwash our children with fantastic, mythical notions like global warming and evolution. I say, no Obama voters in the classroom either! Who’s with me?

Like everything else worth doing, it’s clear that teaching should be the province of white men. And I thank God that we have a soldier like Jim DeMint on the front lines, fighting for what’s right, saying what’s true, and defending the good guys.

Happy New (Fiscal) Year!

As much as I love Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, I’ve never understood why modern calendar makers are still stuck on his birthday as the basis for our dating system. I mean, yes, he’s totes the best Lord and Savior out there (stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Dalai Lama), but let’s face it: it ain’t exactly Jesus that’s making the world go round these days, it’s the American Euro, also known as The Dollar.


That is the spirit in which I celebrate October 1st as the beginning of my personal year. And this year looks to be a good one. Democrats in Congress are on the ropes, mostly for trying to bring unwanted healthcare to an electorate who very obviously prefers runaway insurance premiums and arbitrary denials of coverage by our corporate overlords. And isn’t that the way it should be?

Who needs healthcare anyway? This is America, where we live for the NOW, and no, Martha Burk, I am not talking about the National Organization of Womenazis. We’re not interested in long-term health anyway, or else why would we eat Wonder Bread and drive the Hummers that God made for us?

Stupid Democrats. All it would take to make Obamacare popular is to guarantee that big companies can continue to rake in untold, untaxed riches at the expense of little guys like you and me without making any of us think about preventative care or long-term planning (depressing!), and if you could throw in a tax cut for the big HMOs financed by cutting money for education or saving baby seals, so much the better.

I’m telling you, Democrats, if you listened to me, you’d be headed for Congressional majorities you could sustain until the next time you try to do something helpful and altruistic.

Thankfully, Obama and his majority party liberal tyrants are too busy governing the country and being decent peeple to pay any attention to a genius electoral strategist like me. Which is why this (fiscal) year is shaping up to be so beautiful. Once the Republicans retake the House and Senate, we can all start forking our money back over to defense contractors, oil companies, and rich peeple – America’s winners. And since the electorate will blame the resulting tide of misery squarely on Obama, it’s a hop, skip, and a jump to impeach his Kenyan ass before next New (Fiscal) Year!

God bless the Republic! And Happy New (Fiscal) Year! It’s the truest American holiday!